The Headless Sewer-Dwelling Troglodyte Army
The only thing I’m going to miss now that Hillary has withdrawn is the constant stream of footage from her rallies. I think it’s safe to say that she had the most aesthetically displeasing voter base in the history of American politics and now that it’s over, instead of just flipping to CNN, I’m going to have to go back to Ryan’s Steakhouse when I need something to make me feel good about myself.
Every single person at every single rally could be described the same way. Middle-aged, obese female with short hair and a New Yorker accent who is tired of being a “second class citizen” despite never having expressed feeling like one before 6 months ago.
Where does she get them from? I didn’t know there were so many people fitting that description, but unless CGI is involved (which it might be, given their uncanny resemblance to Shrek) these troglodytes either exist in large numbers out of my daily view (perhaps dwelling in sewers) or there was some other trickery afoot.
My theory is that it’s the same few hundred women, shuttled around from one speech to the next. And where did they come from? Hillary sent local representatives to each and every Wal-Mart with the instructions to hire anyone found shopping for a purse there. That also explains her sizeable gay male contingent.
It’s either that, or right now in America there’s a sewer-dwelling troglodyte army that has no leader. I’m not sure which scares me more, but I beg you not to print this out and then flush it down your toilet, just in case.
Either way, congratulations to you Hillary. You managed to make women realize just how second class they were by comparing them to a group of people who weren’t inferior for being female, but rather for eating three meals a day at McDonalds and then using the leftover grease for makeup. And then you showed them how, by voting for you, they would be fighting centuries of repression when they should be spending their time fighting diabetes.
You’ve done a great service to your gender. And at least when it was over, you didn’t have to look very hard to find a fat lady to sing.
