MattMaroon.com

I just realized I forgot to write up the honeymoon. It was enjoyable. I have to say though, after being stuck on a barge with them for a week, I don’t want to see a baby or a senior citizen ever again. That’s the one nice thing about being out here in Cambridge, there are very few invalids, and the ones there are seem to get by without becoming a public nuisance.

I did set a new fashion trend while I was on the boat. One day after formal dinner we were going to go get drinks at some bar but my shoes were ridiculously uncomfortable, so I took them and my socks off and threw on sandals. Thus was born the slacks and sandals combo. Sure enough the next day I saw some guy wearing the same thing. I told Vicki I was the Lindsay Lohan of the Carnival Legend. Whatever I wore, everyone else would two days later. And I was drunk most of the time. Little did I know at the time that she was out doing everything she could to make that joke even more apropos. It’s actually probably better I was unaware. I have a tendency to take jokes too far and might have hijacked a lifeboat.

The Caribbean cities we visited were just like all of the cruise ports I’ve been to, warm little oases in a desert of despair. It makes you wonder how these countries came to be so poor, when we’re right next door lining up to buy iPhones. But then I guess if I had weather like they do, I wouldn’t bother voting for someone who might build a road either. When you can pick a plantain out of your back yard, who needs college? Most Americans work their whole lives just to be able to go to Whole Foods and buy those.

It’s actually baffling how different the quality of life gets when you move just one country south. It makes me feel bad too, until I see a hand-made marble chess set on sale for thirteen bucks and haggle it down to eight. Then I don’t feel bad anymore. Life gave them lemons, but at least I get some cheap lemonade.

I got to ride a dolphin in Cozumel. That’s was pretty neat. You don’t really realize just how strong one of those are until you’re trying to hang on. It’s like a jet ski with flippers. I wish I’d had one around when we were tubing down a river in the rainforest too. Then maybe I’d have been able to avoid the 300lb lady who checked me up against a rock.

We spent a day checking out some Mayan ruins and the entire time the tour guide was talking about how great the Mayans were. “They invented astronomy” he’d say, or “they invented zero.” Too bad they couldn’t invent guns and penicillin, they might still be around.

(That’s always been my attitude towards most of the now defunct cultures from this hemisphere. New-agers always talk about how wonderful they were, how in touch with the earth. If they were so great, why do you only ever see them in parades or casinos? Maybe scalping each other, worshipping the sun and treating major illnesses with ground up leaves aren’t such good ideas after all. )

The food on Carnival was surprisingly mediocre in the dining room. It was a big ship though, so they had a better restaurant you could eat at for a fee. If you ever cruise with them, I recommend you do so every single day, as it’s like going from Outback to Ruth’s Chris. It’s probably cheaper to do that than to cruise on Holland America or one of the other lines with better food anyway, and you’ll be much happier. As I told Vicki afterwards, I would have been willing to skip buying each other birthday presents (mine was on the cruise, her only a few days after) in favor of the upgraded food. Next time we’ll know.

Otherwise, though, I liked Carnival. The entertainment was decent, the rooms were nice, and the port selection was good. I think any future cruises would have to be to somewhere in Europe or something of the like, as I’m tired of seeing nothing but jewelry and duty free liquor stores. I’d much rather see old buildings and duty free liquor stores.