MattMaroon.com

Without a doubt the best movie ever. Ninja Cheerleaders.

See you there.

I caught the finale of The Sopranos Sunday night. Eh. About what I expected. This whole season has been long and boring, and the finale didn’t break the streak. Like the last four seasons, it was overhyped and failed to live up to expectations. And like the last four seasons, I watched it anyway.

I think I know why they ended it the way they did. David Chase loves to defy expectations and throw curveballs at viewers. Everyone who watched the show had an expectation. The most common was Tony getting whacked, followed closely by Phil Leotardo getting whacked and Tony resuming life as usual, and either way that would pretty much wrap it up. There were a few more (Tony ending up in jail) but what nobody expected, other than me, was for there to be no real resolution at all. Nobody thought they might do that because, well, it would be retarded. And it was. That’s precisely why I saw it coming.

Still, for some reason, though it was obviously left vague by design, everyone tries to ascribe meaning to the ending. The most common theory is that it harkened back to Tony’s previous conversation with Bobby, in which they said “you probably never hear it coming” or something like that, and therefore conclude that Tony dies at the end. Still other people said that the guy who went into the bathroom was just staring at Tony the way any random guy would stare at someone who was regularly pointed out as a mob boss on the evening news.

Me personally, I’m just angry. I was watching it on my Xbox courtesy of the newest beta of Transcode 360, and I’d already had a few technical difficulties. I thought the screen going black was just something wrong with Media Center. John said “what just happened there?” and we both agreed it must have been a bad file or something, because there was no way the show’s writers could be that dumb. After a brief search on Digg we found out we were wrong, they were.

So just to be part of the gang, and despite the fact that it was intentionally left unresolved, I’ll give my account of what probably happened at the end.

The thugs who came in towards the end put some Jay-Z on the jukebox, probably the song 99 Problems. The strange guy comes out of the bathroom wielding a gun and pointing it at Tony. Unbeknownst to him, AJ, who had taken ninja-therapy at the hospital he was recuperating in, has a katana sheathed on his side. He pulls it out and slices the guys forearm clean off, which, along with the gun, clatters to the floor. The guy collapses, crying and looking at his bloody stump, in a pool of his own blood.

Meadow shrieks when she sees it happen, but then suddenly Eva Longoria comes in and consoles her with a very long, very hot make-out session. Tony has a heart attack and collapses into some lasagna, but nobody notices because there are two hot chicks getting it on and obviously nobody is going to be looking at a fat guy with that stuff happening. Also, a law is passed that makes old people stop being allowed to drive.

That’s my dream ending. What’s yours?

Once before I asked you guys for some television recommendations and you really came through for me. Someone said to watch Arrested Development, and that it was “far better than anything that’s on TV now and I liked it as much, if not more, than Seinfeld.” I watched all three seasons. I don’t think I’m ready to put it on par with Seinfeld, but it was pretty great. Certainly too good for television.

Another person said The Office and My Name is Earl were “both quality new programs”. Yes, and yes. The Office proves what I’ve been saying for way too long, which is that Steve Carrell is maybe the best comedic actor around. The 40 Year Old Virgin might have sucked, but it would have sucked far worse with anyone else in that role. Same with Little Miss Sunshine. I can’t really think of anyone who could pull off Michael Scott as perfectly as he does.

And my name is Earl is definitely one of the best shows on television. Every time someone mentions karma I find myself saying “oh, you must be a Carson Daly fan too.” Lame, I know.

I got a ton of recommendations from friends for House, which I find to be pretty much the worst show on television. But then, I don’t watch much TV. It’s just the same bland, broadly drawn characters in hokey situations, just like every drama. It’s basically season 872 of Law and Order, but in a hospital.

Ooh, a guy who’s kind of good and kind of bad at the same time, but at the end of the day you just have to love him because he helps people. Never seen that before. He’s like John C McGinley’s character in Scrubs, but not funny.

I tried watching 24, and got bored pretty quickly. Yet another show aimed at society’s lowest common denominator. Same with Grey’s Anatomy. I’m checking out Lost but don’t expect much better.

That show quickly became one of my favorites too. The last season was a little off I thought, but there were a few great ones in there. I’m usually hyper-critical of anything set in a hospital too, since it’s so cliché, but they do a good job of not being just like every other medical show, mainly by being hilarious.

So I guess what I’ve discovered is that I prefer one-camera sitcoms with no laugh track. That’s not surprising I guess, given my low tolerance for repetition, and perhaps the fact that the more creative film makers seem to be drawn to that format these days.

Still I’m open to any format. I’ll even watch reality TV, though very skeptically. I need something to fill the hour or so before I go to bed at night, and spending so much time on the internet has made me unable to read anything more than 150 words long, unless I wrote it. So, any more suggestions?