MattMaroon.com

I had a fun trip to Boston. Actually, let me rephrase that. I had a good time in Boston. The journey there was about as fun as getting an appendectomy from a homeless guy with a rusty spoon. 10 hour drives should be made illegal just so idiots like me don’t ever try them.

Also, if you aren’t familiar with the city and you’re considering driving around it without GPS, do yourself a favor. Take a sharp stick and poke yourself in the eye. I promise you, it will be more pleasant. I’ve never seen such a poorly laid out town in my life. I realize those roads were all formed back during the horse and buggy days, but it’s 2007. Seriously guys, it’s time to just set up a grid and call it a day. Even with navigation I was unable to find Harvard Yard so I could park the car.

I noticed on the mbta website that there’s actually a job lottery. I’m no economist or anything, but it seems to me that if a job is so popular that people want to win it, it might pay a bit too much. You’re supposed to play lotteries so you can get rid of your job. I’m not even looking for employment but I figured if it’s that great, maybe I should try, so I went around the whole city buying scratch-off tickets. I didn’t get a job, but I did win more scratch-offs so at least it wasn’t a total loss. Until those tickets came up empty, that is. Then it was.

Sunday night we had dinner at Morton’s, since I had a gift card. Everything was fantastic except for the butter. That’s a huge problem when you order a giant lobster. I’ve never come away from a meal that cost more than $8 feeling the experience was ruined by a bland condiment, but I guess there’s a first time for everything. The upside-down apple pie was heavenly at least. I always did like my food inverted.

We stopped at a little shop on Beacon Hill and bought some imported chocolate. As we were paying the guy put a little pamphlet into the bag and said “here is the story behind your chocolate.” That made me happy because I also like my food to have a plot. I just hope the characters aren’t the usual broadly-drawn archetypes that come with candy. Like Bazooka Joe, what the hell is up with that guy? He just goes around blowing stuff up. That’s absurd. I want to know why he’s so violent. Did he have a bad childhood? Is he trying to change but still hanging out with all of his bazooka friends who are unsupportive of his decision? They just never tell you, so I really can’t get into the gum.

Also I had the same realization that I have every time I travel, which is that whoever invented the hand dryer they put in bathrooms should be hung for crimes against humanity. Somehow this invention, which is less effective than just waving your hands around in the air, has convinced morons that it’s ok not to provide paper towels. Making me dry my hands off on the fabric in my pockets has to be at least treason. If not I just don’t see the purpose of law.

Walking out of a rest stop on the highway there was actually a guy with toilet paper hanging out the back of his pants. I had always assumed that the logistics involved rendered that impossible and that it was just something you saw in bad 80′s movies. Of course as I reached into my pocket for my Treo to take a picture for my blog (what else is there for a civilized person do in that position?) I realized I had left it in my car. That may very well be the first time in 5 years I was in public without my cell phone on me, and sure enough there’s a fat guy with toilet paper streaming down his backside. Talk about a Kodak Moment.

In that very same rest area someone had written on a door “Nappy Headed Ho” and below that someone else had etched “I’ll be back. Love, Imus.” I definitely didn’t expect any free speech rants in a turnpike toilet stall. Luckily the somber tone was broken by the good old “for a good time call…” message. I really need to start carrying a pocket knife in case I ever come across any such witticisms while dropping a deuce on the expressway. There’s nothing worse than coming up with the ultimate bon mot and being unable to carve into an aluminum door.

This entry was posted on May 1, 2007 at 2:52 am and is filed under Travel . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed Both comments and pings are currently closed.