I saw The Breakup yesterday. That was the most ripped off I’ve ever felt outside of a car dealership in my entire life. Let me explain.
A while back I was flipping channels and I saw Jennifer Aniston on Letterman or Conan or something like that, and she had a skirt on so I stopped. And I’ll admit, as with any time I’ve seen legs like those, most of the words were lost on me, but a few got through, and the made me think the movie might be pretty good.
She was asked to describe the movie and said it was a comedy in which a couple breaks up but both love their apartment so much that they refuse to move out. They fight over the place and hilarity presumably ensues. I was sure it would be a little on the sappy side, but figured Vince Vaughn has been in some hilarious movies, so it just might funny enough to be tolerable. I still was far from sold though.
And then the interviewer asked her what it was like to do a nude scene. I missed what she said because I ran to my computer and put it in my Netflix queue. I’m a guy, sorry.
So today we downlo… err… rented the movie, and I was all excited. I thought I was going to see a funny Vince Vaughn movie with Jennifer Aniston’s boobies. I figured those two things are like chocolate and peanut butter. They’re both pretty good individually but the combo is out of this world. That was a whole that I thought would surely be greater than the sum of its parts.
But I still don’t know if that’s true because there are neither! The movie isn’t about people fighting over an apartment. It’s about a girl who looks like Jennifer Aniston but is also kind, intelligent, and does pretty much everything for her boyfriend (a species scientists have yet to find in the wild or, as far as I know, create in a lab) who in turn treats her poorly. So she breaks up with him in the hopes of it being a wakeup call, but he’s a guy and obviously has no idea what she’s doing, so he tries to be a total tool and make her move out. Boooooooooooring.
It was bad enough that there were maybe two funny parts in the entire movie, both courtesy of a morbidly obese Jon Favreau (seriously guy, you’re an actor. Purge if you need to, but get it fixed). But then the nude scene was blocked out by Vince Vaughn’s head. I knew it was too good to be true. Jennifer Aniston is way too successful to do that sort of stuff without an obstruction.
And to top it all off the ending was sad and they broke up. Note that I didn’t put a spoiler alert there because if you haven’t seen this movie, I just want to make sure you keep it that way. Normally I’d be all for a sad ending, but if you’re a guy and you watched this movie, you probably did so with a woman. And the unhappy ending probably left her as upset as the boobless nude scene left you, meaning there is no frontal nudity in your near future at all. I might have even spared you some tissue box holding duty. I did you a favor.
If I could I would give this unfunny, safe for work, romantic non-comedy zero stars. Even though it probably was better than a lot of movies, I expected, from Jennifer’s interview, something of quality perhaps equal to The Godfather. So while I’d normally perhaps give it three stars, I’m deducting one for the missing hilarity, and one for each absent boob.
