I Solved The Iranian Problem. Next.
Sometimes I read the news and I wonder to myself “what am I missing?” Take the current situation with Iran for example. Why is this so complicated? I’m not saying that to be smug, I really want to know. Nothing has ever seemed clearer to me.
We know they’re working on nuclear technology, they’ve admitted it, which boggles my mind in and of itself. We know they’re full of shit when they say it is only for energy, they’re sitting atop enough oil to power them for ten thousand years. I’d be surprised if more than a couple percent of the population disagrees with that.
We know they’ve funded pretty much every Islamic terrorist organization known to man, most notably Al-Queda, and have had serious involvement in almost every attack against American targets, at home or abroad, over the last decade. We know that Iranian children chant “death to America” in school in the morning, much as ours say the pledge of allegiance. Nothing we could do could possibly make them hate us any more than they already do. They couldn’t possibly provide our enemies any more support than they already do. Quite literally nothing we could do could make Iran any more of a threat to us than they already are. It’s impossible. The only thing that could make the situation worse for the civilized world is to let them build nuclear reactors.
So why aren’t we bombing the hell out of them? I’ve been against the war in Iraq from the outset. It seemed like a bad idea at the time, and now seems far worse in hindsight. But I’ll take a page from the Bush administration and say that war with Iran is a slam dunk. Hell, they threw us the ball.
And I don’t mean an invasion per se. None of our troops ever need set foot in that arid shithole. We can finish this quickly, cheaply, and with virtually no loss of American lives. We just blow them back to the stone age and call it a day.
It’s that simple. We know where the nukes are being built, bomb the fuck out of them. Bomb a couple government buildings. Bomb every military base. Blow up every thing they could possibly use to make war, and then for good measure maybe toss in a hospital or two. Try to kill Ahmedinannationalbasketballassociationijad.
Tell them that if they don’t start allowing UN inspectors in and granting our every wish like the genies in their silly fairy tales we’ll start bombing other things. Of course they won’t capitulate right away, so then we wipe out their electricity. Then we wipe out their roads. Then we wipe out their banks. Then we bomb the hell out of whatever facilities get water to the people, and so on and so forth. Give them two choices: die a slow and painful death or convince us that they’ve stopped supporting terrorism, at which point we’ll even gladly help rebuild everything we blasted apart.
Nobody else is going to do a damn thing about it. They can’t, they’re powerless. Russia and China aren’t going to declare war on the US. The entire rest of the world combined would be crushed like a bug on a windshield by our military and they know it. They might bitch and moan, but they’ll do nothing more. And even the few countries that don’t hate them will secretly breathe a sigh of relief, because they know its only a matter of time until the shit really hits the fan.
Diplomacy doesn’t seem to be getting us anywhere because the people who run that country are bat shit crazy, and they’re the definition of an imminent threat. So right now I see two options. The first is to bomb the hell out of them. The second is to wait until Al-Queda manages to detonate a nuclear weapon on Wall Street and then bomb the hell out of them. Not a tough choice there is it?
I really wish this were the sort of blog that thousands of people read, I’d really like to hear why this is a bad idea. It might be. I just don’t see why, and I also don’t see anyone else advocating this.
I think the American people would even support this course of action if sold properly. Everyone knew Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11. It was perfectly obvious that the Bush administration was either willfully deceptive or blatantly incompetent in getting us into Iraq in the first place. Iran is almost the opposite in every way. People certainly don’t want a repeat of the Iraq debacle, but they’ll be more than happy to watch on TV as our kick-ass planes incinerate some Muslims, as long as Americans aren’t dying and especially if we pull the hell out of Iraq. They know its necessary.
So let’s do it. Give me the button, I’ll be more than happy to push it.
March 14, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Bush should start calling the Iran “supreme leader” Barney Rubble as a warning.
I totally agree with you about this. It’s not even Iran. We need to send a clear message to all enemys that we won’t be fuked with. The war in Iraq is making us look weak right now.
If Bush wanted to redeem himself he would get on t.v. and say this. “This is my message to Iran, You have 1 week to cease and desist or your country won’t exist” It would be like the Johnny Cochran of presidental quotes. We are just too fair sometimes. Even if it’s a bluff it’s a great bluff.
March 14, 2007 at 4:09 pm
I think that Iraq is probably the main reason we’re not at war with Iran right now. You’re right, Iran is an infintely more imminent threat to us than Iraq ever was, but the problem is that the administration would have to literally make the exact same case for war that they used with Iraq. It will be very, very tough for them to “sell” this new war to everybody. I guess enough propaganda could do it, but it will be an uphill battle.
March 15, 2007 at 6:12 am
Dangerous plan. Also murderous. Not all Iranians hate America. Those that have a grudge do so because of the dangerous and murderous foreign policy the U.S. Government has been shoving down the throat of the world for the last two centuries. They’re still pretty pissed we deposed their democratically elected president and imposed the Shaw on them.
A better plan: Drastically change U.S. foreign policy. Quit acting like meddling bullies and I bet people will quit trying to blow us up.
Being a bully is always a bad idea. Immoral, of course, and also impractical. The only path to peace is to quit making war. A large portion of the blame for 9/11 and all other terrorist attacks against America belongs to a hubristic, corrupt, and imperialistic US foreign policy… and of course to the crooks who so recklessly acted in our name.
March 16, 2007 at 9:08 am
Matt,
Why are you so convinced that Iranian nuclear capability makes the region less stable, or makes them more of a threat to U.S. interests? Are you suggesting that they’ll purposefully provide non-state actors (such as Al Qaeda) with a nuclear weapon? I think that possibility is exceedingly unlikely. To do so would end Iranian sovereignty, and probably the state itself. In the case of a nuclear detonation, what country in the world would have the most to lose? A nuclear-capable Iran. If you’d like to argue that their leaders are so irrational that they’re willing to turn their country into a giant suicide bomb, by all means, make the argument, but there aren’t clear historical or contemporary parallels. Leaders that have ascended to power ususally have done so for reasons that are antithetical to the suicidal tendencies you’ve ascribed them.
I think North Korea is a useful guide in this case. They immediately issued a “no first use” nuclear policy, and hopped back onto the bargaining table, with much more leverage, and with U.S. governmental assurances against an invasion of any sort. If you view Iran’s actions as being at least minimally rational, I don’t think you’ve got nearly as much to worry about as you seem to.
There’s an entire emerging literature that deals with nuclear proliferation, called “nuclear positivism”. There’s a great book by Kenneth Waltz and Scott Sagan, where they debate the merits and drawbacks of proliferation. It’s pretty compelling, you should check it out.
March 16, 2007 at 5:59 pm
I like your poker posts. You know more about poker than me. I know more about international politics than you. Several of you key assumptions are wrong, and that makes your conclusion wrong.
1. “We know that Iranian children chant “death to America†in school in the morning, much as ours say the pledge of allegiance. Nothing we could do could possibly make them hate us any more than they already do.”
This is only partly wrong. Iran has signficant internal dissent. The US isn’t popular there to be sure, but in many quarters, the gov’t is even less popular. However, leveling the country would, in fact, make us less popular and would increase support for the government. It’s almost universally true that when a nation is under attack, support for the leadership of that nation increases. (It’s an imperfect example, but think of GWB’s approval ratings in the months after 9/11).
2. “None of our troops ever need set foot in that arid shithole. We can finish this quickly, cheaply, and with virtually no loss of American lives. We just blow them back to the stone age and call it a day. It’s that simple. We know where the nukes are being built, bomb the fuck out of them.”
This is false. Every nation learned the lesson of Israel’s attacks on Iraqi enrichment facilities in the 1980s. Key facilities are underground and have backups. Sites are highly resistent to bombing precisely to avoid solutions like yours. This is a FACT. 30 years ago (Israel-Iraq), a single bombing mission pushed back a weapons program 5 years. Today, a campaign 100 times that size wouldn’t do 1% of the damage.
3. “Then we wipe out their roads. Then we wipe out their banks. Then we bomb the hell out of whatever facilities get water to the people, and so on and so forth. Give them two choices: die a slow and painful death or convince us that they’ve stopped supporting terrorism, at which point we’ll even gladly help rebuild everything we blasted apart.”
They will tell you to fuck off. Aid agencies from around the world will offer support. Should we bomb a hospital that British volunteers are rebuilding?
The attacks will unite the country and strengthen the government. Think about the UK during the battle of britain. The people hate the bombings, but they’ll be damned before capitulating to foreign bombs. It’s the same worldwide.
4. ” I think the American people would even support this course of action if sold properly.”
You are wrong. We “bomb a few hospitals” as you suggest and there will be 10% public support within days.