MattMaroon.com

There are certain groups of people I categorically mistrust. At the top of my list (and, I imagine, everyone else’s) are proctologists. That’s a career choice that makes no sense at all. I guess the costs involved in starting your own practice are minimal, since their only equipment is a rubber glove and a flashlight, but that still doesn’t seem like a fair trade to me. Six years of school, three years of residency, and a hundred grand in tuition to do a job that I would consider daily proof that there is a God and he hates me? I hear Wal-Mart is hiring.

Second on the list, and also in the medical profession, are male gynecologists. I always wonder about them. I can just picture their middle school career day.

Teacher: What do you want to do when you grow up Billy?
Billy: I LIKE BOOBIES!!
Teacher: Yes, but what do you want to do for a living?
Billy: BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES!!
Teacher: I might have just the job for you. Do you like vaginas too?

Then, on what I assure you is a totally unrelated note, the next group on the list is people who don’t like pickles. There aren’t many of them, but the few there are should be deported immediately. Pickles are crunchy and sour and generally perfect in every way. Anyone who doesn’t enjoy one with their hamburger must be a communist.

And last for today, but most common, are guys who don’t follow proper urinal etiquette. Most of society’s rules are capricious and arbitrary, and we would all be better off without them, but I’m pretty sure it is written in stone somewhere that taking an unoccupied stall directly next to one already in use is verboten.

A guy came into the bathroom at a restaurant this evening and occupied the urinal between me and someone else (which is a major infraction in and of itself) and then tried to start a conversation with “what’s up?” Who does that? Everyone knows you stare straight ahead and don’t say a word. If you really must talk, save it for the hand washing phase. You don’t just unzip your fly and say “what’s up?” I have my dick in my hand, that’s what’s up, and that means I don’t feel like chatting. I can’t think of one time in my entire life where I was holding my penis and thought “gee, this would be a lot better if I could talk to some guy I don’t know.”

A commenter in my last post asked a question that I think is worth a standalone discussion because it is applicable to much more than just the Iran problem. It was whether or not I think the terrorists are “winning”. Definitely. There isn’t any conceivable measure by which they’re not.

Economically it’s no contest. They’ve wreaked fiscal havoc on our country. Nobody disputes that. The stock market lost over a trillion dollars in the week following 9/11. It plunged us into a recession and kicked the airline industry square in the testicles. They hit us really hard there. They have no economy for us to destroy. We freeze some of their assets, but as long as governments like Iran keep funding them we can’t even slow them down.

Politically 9/11 served them extraordinarily well. It emboldened the Bush administration and provided them a power base, which they’ve used to utterly and completely destroy our foreign relations. I won’t even get into the many ways (economically, environmentally, and otherwise) in which Bush’s reelection is destroying our country domestically, but it seems most likely that without the terrorist attacks catapulting him into the highest sustained approval rating ever he would not have been reelected, unless maybe he didn’t start the war in Iraq. Either way our country would be much better off.

It definitely struck fear into the hearts of Americans, which was their stated aim. Despite the fact that the direct damage done was relatively trivial (losing 3,000 lives and a few billion worth of buildings and 747s is, from a sheer economic standpoint, virtually unnoticeable in our economy) the fallout has been one of the most significant events in American history. We still hear about it every day. Hurricane Katrina killed almost as many people and caused something like 30 times more property damage, and it was more recent, but it has been all but forgotten.

Also, we lose an ungodly sum in productivity with all of the new anti-terrorism safety measures taken, most of which are largely useless. I don’t know how many hundreds of millions of dollars ridiculous inconveniences like increased lines at the airport or having to put our toiletries in plastic bags cost our nation every year, but I do know how many lives they’re saving. Zero.

So terrorists achieved a lot that day, and with only a handful of lives lost and a few hundred grand in cash. That’s pretty impressive. It’s not a TKO, but it definitely put them ahead in the decision.

What’s even more impressive is that terrorist attacks against us have gone largely unpunished. The Iranian government funded, sanctioned, and helped plan the attack (carried out by Al-Queda) on Khobar Towers, killing 19 American Air Force soldiers. We knew that Khamenei approved it and high ranking military officials planned it. Nothing was done.

They blew up a couple embassies in Africa, killing hundreds. We took out a couple meaningless buildings in Sudan with cruise missiles and called it a day.

They bombed the USS Cole, killing 17 of our sailors, we blew up two guys in a Jeep. Who is winning there? Certainly not us.

Is it any wonder they got up the nerve to fly some planes into our buildings? They attacked us over and over, and over and over we did nothing. And then, when they finally hit us on our own soil, we let Osama go and didn’t finish off the Taliban, who are now working their way back into power in Afghanistan. The only thing we did do in the name of the War on Terror was topple the one government in the Middle East that didn’t participate in terrorist attacks on American targets. Brilliant.

Our own government creates commissions to study 9/11, figure out what happened, why, and how to prevent a recurrence. And what do we do? Ignore them. We’ve implemented virtually none of the recommended safety measures, instead choosing asinine ones like making everyone put their hair gel in a Ziploc bag. But fear not, nobody with a 4 oz stick of deodorant will be aboard your flight. That is, not unless they just stick it in their pocket and walk through the metal detector with it like I do. Surely no potential bomber would have cargo pant technology.

Terrorists are winning in every way in which it is possible for them to do so. They haven’t won the war, and they won’t because we’re far too big, but they’ve won every battle so far. I wish I saw that changing, but it won’t until we get a President who is serious about the war on terror. Bush is, through incompetence and stupidity, simply aiding them.

And now, given our history, and given the unpopularity of the war in Iraq here and abroad (and therefore our current reluctance to fight any wars at all, even the necessary ones) I think it entirely rational for Iran to believe that if they gave Al-Queda a dirty bomb, and if that bomb happened to be detonated in Times Square, that there would be no repercussions for them. I believe it myself, since that’s been the precedent for over a decade. And that’s why we have to stop them from enriching uranium and we have to do it now. Otherwise prepare for the inevitable catastrophe.

The Zelda Wii

Here’s a couple parts of a reader comment:

Why are you so convinced that Iranian nuclear capability makes the region less stable, or makes them more of a threat to U.S. interests?

If you’d like to argue that their leaders are so irrational that they’re willing to turn their country into a giant suicide bomb, by all means, make the argument, but there aren’t clear historical or contemporary parallels. Leaders that have ascended to power usually have done so for reasons that are antithetical to the suicidal tendencies you’ve ascribed them.

For one thing, there has been virtually no real chance for such parallels. Muslim countries have only hated us for half a century, and have only had nuclear capabilities or the potential for them for a few short years. And the only ones that do are ostensible allies of ours.

One might also argue that funding terrorist attacks on the United States would seem to be a similar suicidal tendency, and Iran has been doing it for many years. The same with the Taliban refusing to turn over Bin Laden when we clearly issued them an ultimatum. The same with Hussein balking when it became clear that anything less than total submission to weapons inspections would be his death. Government officials risking their livelihood is not at all unprecedented, and I’m only looking at the last 5 or 6 years.

Moreover, they refer to us as “paper tigers”, almost rightfully so. They’ve funded terrorists who’ve bombed embassies, ships, even the World Trade Center (years before they finally leveled it), and taken Americans hostage with virtually no retaliation. Osama Bin Laden is still unaccounted for. The Taliban is alive and well and working their way back into the Afghanistan. Hezbollah is doing better than ever. We’re still, even to this day, ridiculously reluctant to do anything about terrorism. So maybe they don’t see it as a suicide mission. I might not if I were them.

Also, you can’t underestimate their hatred of us. Iranian leaders refer to America as “The Great Satan.” They are in striking range of Israel, who they say must be “wiped off the map”. Their leaders deny the holocaust, which surely they, unlike the general Iranian population, must have all of the evidence for. I find it totally rational for the average Iranian to believe that the holocaust is a myth, as I’m sure that their history books make a very convincing case to that effect. They don’t have Wikipedia and The History Channel to set them straight. But the fact that those at the highest level of the government, who surely must have A&E, continue to hold Holocaust-denial conventions, means that they are either irrational (as we would define it) or, more likely, totally malicious.

Also, what is rational varies depending on what part of the world you live in. They ascribe to a religion in which martyrdom is highly rewarded. Suicide, to them, is a good thing, which makes it not irrational. Great Britain giving nukes to Al Qaeda would be irrational. But for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who firmly believes that he and every Iranian who dies in a retaliatory strike will be rewarded with an eternity of 72 virgins, doing so would be totally rational. 72? Hell, I’d do it for 3.

I think North Korea is a useful guide in this case. They immediately issued a “no first use” nuclear policy, and hopped back onto the bargaining table, with much more leverage, and with U.S. governmental assurances against an invasion of any sort. If you view Iran’s actions as being at least minimally rational, I don’t think you’ve got nearly as much to worry about as you seem to.

I disagree about North Korea being a good comparison. They’re mainly Buddhist and Confucianist, neither of which believes in a God who wants nothing more than to wipe Israel and all of its supporters off of the map, and neither of which would therefore believe in eternal rewards for doing so. They don’t have a history of funding terrorist attacks on American targets. They’re an entirely different nation working from an entirely different worldview, and I’ve never considered the idea of going to war with them a good one. They’re a problem that almost certainly can be solved diplomatically, and even if not we aren’t far enough along to know for sure yet.

My view of Iran’s actions is totally rational given their religious beliefs and apparent hatred of Israel and the U.S. Of course those religious beliefs are, in and of themselves, definitely irrational (though their hatred of Israel and us is not) but then many Americans believe equally irrational things and act on them all of the time. We believe that one guy parted the Red Sea, another guy somehow fit millions of animals plus food on a houseboat for 40 days, and a third guy turned water into wine and rose from the dead. Those beliefs lead us to do stupid and often violent things like deny gay people basic human rights or try to get certain virtually proven scientific principles removed from science classes in favor of theories that are downright laughable. I don’t see a large rational difference between Christians bombing abortion clinics and Muslims dirty bombing Las Vegas.

From another reader:

Not all Iranians hate America. Those that have a grudge do so because of the dangerous and murderous foreign policy the U.S. Government has been shoving down the throat of the world for the last two centuries.

A better plan: Drastically change U.S. foreign policy. Quit acting like meddling bullies and I bet people will quit trying to blow us up.

A large portion of the blame for 9/11 and all other terrorist attacks against America belongs to a hubristic, corrupt, and imperialistic US foreign policy… and of course to the crooks who so recklessly acted in our name.

I agree that we should do that too, but that’s a 20 year solution to a 3 year problem. It’s not fast enough. We clearly have to drastically alter our foreign policy, but that won’t help us with Iran’s nukes.

I have no idea what the average Iranian thinks, and I really don’t care. I don’t buy into that politically correct “Islam is a peaceful religion” bullshit, though at the same time I have no doubt that many Muslims are peaceful. Either way, the opinions of the average Iranian don’t matter right now. All that matters is what their leaders are planning, and that seems pretty clear.

Regardless of why we are in this situation we have to deal with it. We can’t just let them detonate a nuclear weapon in Chicago because Reagan (who I believe to be possibly the worst President in history) made a bunch of mistakes. I’m not usually an alarmist at all, but if we allow Iran to make weapons grade uranium I believe the result will be a nightmare and any hope of fixing the mistakes of our past and mending fences with that region will be gone.

And from another:

I think that Iraq is probably the main reason we’re not at war with Iran right now. You’re right, Iran is an infintely more imminent threat to us than Iraq ever was, but the problem is that the administration would have to literally make the exact same case for war that they used with Iraq. It will be very, very tough for them to “sell” this new war to everybody.

Well, that’s certainly been the worst effect yet of the war with Iraq. We’ve been effectively hamstrung as far as dealing with terrorism is concerned.

I think Iran is a far superior case to the one in Iraq. We know they’re working on nuclear capability, they’ve admitted it. Many Americans believed Iraq was not. We know they’re connected to Al-Qaeda, and the assertion that Iraq was was laughable even back then. Iraq had no known history of terrorizing American targets, Iran does. The two are largely polar opposites.

I think that aerial strikes in Iran, with no ground involvement, wouldn’t be too hard to sell for that reason. Nobody wants another quagmire for sure, but I think most Americans agree that Iran having nuclear technology is clearly a very, very bad thing.

Also I amend my plan of attack. One other condition of our ceasing the bombing should be unfiltered internet access for all Iranians. I really think that the best way to change the hearts and minds of any populace is to increase their access to information. I have a sneaking suspicion that most of the evils in the world could be eradicated by messageboards. It would take only a few weeks for Iranians to realize that we Americans aren’t evil. We’re just stupid.

One strange thing I’ve noticed about myself is that I seem to have an overly-sensitive palate when it comes to sweetness. It has a lot of advantages and a lot of disadvantages, so on the whole I find it quite bittersweet, pun intended.

For one, I can’t tolerate high fructose corn syrup. It’s so sweet that it literally makes me nauseous. That means that most bottled beverages these days are out. Oddly enough the rise in gas prices might fix that for me. Corn syrup is the sweetener of choice for most beverage makers due to the high price of sugar, which is caused by ridiculous tariffs, which in turn were inspired by agribusiness lobbying money. But as gas prices rise and corn farmers are able to fetch higher and higher prices from ethanol manufacturers the price of high fructose corn syrup goes up, and presumably the lobbying money from corporations like Archer Daniels Midland that realize that farmers can now make more from fuel anyway, evaporates like spilled Coca-Cola on hot pavement. I read somewhere that the magic gas price is $2.75. At that point corn prices are high enough that it is more economical for beverage makers to use sugar, even with the tariffs in place.

So, while it sucks to spend $60 to fill up my tank, it does mean I’ll be able to drink Doctor Pepper. In fact, I was looking at a can of pop the other day and where I had never seen anything but corn syrup listed before it now said “high fructose corn syrup and/or cane sugar”. Soft drink manufacturers respond quickly.

I also can’t eat chocolate. I like it in small doses, but I could never just eat a fudge brownie without feeling sick. And I pretty much can’t stand cake of any sort, as the icing is a killer, but a chocolate cake would probably send me into a coma. This perhaps doesn’t sound like much of a disability, but I’ve learned that the easiest way to make people think you’re a weirdo is to tell them that you don’t like chocolate. Try it some time, I promise you’ll get the same look you’d receive if you said “I just moved to a new house. Tomorrow I have to go door to door and tell all the neighbors about my past.”

Luckily all of those things that I can’t eat are pretty bad for me. If I had to pick something to have an aversion to, it would be sweets. I’m sure Pepsi is wonderful and all, but a 150 calorie beverage is the last thing I need to acquire a taste for. If I were overly sensitive to leafy greens, then I’d really be screwed.

Sometimes I read the news and I wonder to myself “what am I missing?” Take the current situation with Iran for example. Why is this so complicated? I’m not saying that to be smug, I really want to know. Nothing has ever seemed clearer to me.

We know they’re working on nuclear technology, they’ve admitted it, which boggles my mind in and of itself. We know they’re full of shit when they say it is only for energy, they’re sitting atop enough oil to power them for ten thousand years. I’d be surprised if more than a couple percent of the population disagrees with that.

We know they’ve funded pretty much every Islamic terrorist organization known to man, most notably Al-Queda, and have had serious involvement in almost every attack against American targets, at home or abroad, over the last decade. We know that Iranian children chant “death to America” in school in the morning, much as ours say the pledge of allegiance. Nothing we could do could possibly make them hate us any more than they already do. They couldn’t possibly provide our enemies any more support than they already do. Quite literally nothing we could do could make Iran any more of a threat to us than they already are. It’s impossible. The only thing that could make the situation worse for the civilized world is to let them build nuclear reactors.

So why aren’t we bombing the hell out of them? I’ve been against the war in Iraq from the outset. It seemed like a bad idea at the time, and now seems far worse in hindsight. But I’ll take a page from the Bush administration and say that war with Iran is a slam dunk. Hell, they threw us the ball.

And I don’t mean an invasion per se. None of our troops ever need set foot in that arid shithole. We can finish this quickly, cheaply, and with virtually no loss of American lives. We just blow them back to the stone age and call it a day.

It’s that simple. We know where the nukes are being built, bomb the fuck out of them. Bomb a couple government buildings. Bomb every military base. Blow up every thing they could possibly use to make war, and then for good measure maybe toss in a hospital or two. Try to kill Ahmedinannationalbasketballassociationijad.

Tell them that if they don’t start allowing UN inspectors in and granting our every wish like the genies in their silly fairy tales we’ll start bombing other things. Of course they won’t capitulate right away, so then we wipe out their electricity. Then we wipe out their roads. Then we wipe out their banks. Then we bomb the hell out of whatever facilities get water to the people, and so on and so forth. Give them two choices: die a slow and painful death or convince us that they’ve stopped supporting terrorism, at which point we’ll even gladly help rebuild everything we blasted apart.

Nobody else is going to do a damn thing about it. They can’t, they’re powerless. Russia and China aren’t going to declare war on the US. The entire rest of the world combined would be crushed like a bug on a windshield by our military and they know it. They might bitch and moan, but they’ll do nothing more. And even the few countries that don’t hate them will secretly breathe a sigh of relief, because they know its only a matter of time until the shit really hits the fan.

Diplomacy doesn’t seem to be getting us anywhere because the people who run that country are bat shit crazy, and they’re the definition of an imminent threat. So right now I see two options. The first is to bomb the hell out of them. The second is to wait until Al-Queda manages to detonate a nuclear weapon on Wall Street and then bomb the hell out of them. Not a tough choice there is it?

I really wish this were the sort of blog that thousands of people read, I’d really like to hear why this is a bad idea. It might be. I just don’t see why, and I also don’t see anyone else advocating this.

I think the American people would even support this course of action if sold properly. Everyone knew Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11. It was perfectly obvious that the Bush administration was either willfully deceptive or blatantly incompetent in getting us into Iraq in the first place. Iran is almost the opposite in every way. People certainly don’t want a repeat of the Iraq debacle, but they’ll be more than happy to watch on TV as our kick-ass planes incinerate some Muslims, as long as Americans aren’t dying and especially if we pull the hell out of Iraq. They know its necessary.

So let’s do it. Give me the button, I’ll be more than happy to push it.