There are a lot of different political philosophies that people subscribe to out there. I’ve always been sort of lost as far as those go since they’re a little too black or white for my taste. But I’ve finally invented one I can call my own. You’re welcome to share it with me.
My inspiration came from thinking about all of the different political affiliations you can choose from. There’s liberalism, as embodied by the Democrats, which means you believe the world should be one giant commune where everyone magically contributes what they can to society and has the same standard of living. It’s basically Communism minus totalitarianism. I never liked that one because I realize that while humans all deserve equal rights, the idea that they are equal in any other sense is total bullshit.
Then there’s modern conservativism, as embodied by the Republicans, which pretty much means you believe everyone’s life should closely resemble the third season of Leave It To Beaver. You’re 100% sure that your God exists and are committed to forcing everyone to at least live by the standards written by your favorite theologians over a thousand years ago. I never really fit into that group either because I have a thought process.
And then there’s libertarianism, which means you subscribe to the “live and let live” philosophy and believe government exists only to protect the freedom of the individual. That’s far too confusing for the average American because it is the exact opposite of everything we know. We’re taught from the moment we arrive at kindergarten that authority exists mainly to enforce the will of the majority on the minority. Libertarianism therefore requires deep thought sometimes, and because libertarians are, almost by definition, very bad at organizing, there’s never one there to help you at the ballot box. It’s a great idea but the sales pitch is basically impossible.
So I’ve come up with my own political philosophy. It’s the easiest and most accurate way to determine who or what you should vote for ever devised. I call it antisouthernaccentarianism.
Antisouthernaccentarianists have only one fundamental belief, which is that if more than two-thirds of politicians in favor of one side of a debate have a southern accent, the other side must necessarily be correct. Let’s show some examples.
Emancipation: they didn’t have much in the way of voice recording technology back then, but it seems safe to say that well over 2/3 of politicians who opposed freeing all slaves had southern accents. That’s the way it is in every documentary. Ken Burns wouldn’t lie.
Evolution: Which states keep trying to teach “intelligent design” and prevent our children from learning about the greatest biological discovery of all time? Where was the Scopes trial? Need I say more?
Homosexuality: Notice how every time someone blames gay people for catastrophes like 9/11 or Hurricane Katrina they have a southern accent? Same whenever someone calls gay marriage a threat to the institution of matrimony. I know for a fact that one is bullshit because when my fiancée first started bugging me to propose I tried to stall by telling her “why bother getting married? Gay people are just going to do it too and ruin the whole thing anyway.” and she punched me in the face. I’m still hoping that the rednecks turn out to be true and gay marriage really does put an end to the whole thing, preferably some time before June 29th.
So there you have my new philosophy. Go forth and multiply, antisouthernaccentarianists!
