MattMaroon.com

Out of sheer masochism I decided to watch the State of the Union Address this year. I just wanted to see if Bush had finally realized that he’s the worst President in modern history and has bungled pretty much everything he’s touched as badly as humanly possible. I’m not sure if he has or has not though because I didn’t absorb a word he said. I couldn’t concentrate on anything but Nancy Pelosi.

Either there was a very narrow breeze aimed directly at her eyes and nobody else’s, or maybe Karl Rove in the balcony with a UV laser pointer, or she blinks way, way too much for a human being. I counted for a little while and she blinked 5 times every three seconds. That’s absurd. That’s 100 blinks per minute. Nobody’s bpm ratio should even be two digits, hers is three. It’s called Visine Madame Speaker, give it a try.

I have to say, I don’t like her being second in line to the Presidency. I don’t trust anyone who can’t even restrain their eyelids to control our military. It’s especially scary too, because you know any sniper who is trying to take out Bush is going to make damn sure they get Cheney while they’re at it. I don’t think anyone will ever seriously attempt an assassination, but just in case we better make sure those two are always at least five states apart. Cheney may not have a soul, but at least he has tear ducts.

The only thing scarier than the thought of Nancy Pelosi becoming President is the person next in line: Ted Stevens. Because that guy is definitely on a few mind altering substances.

Think about it. You’ve been around people who were high before. Couldn’t you picture them saying “Man, I just had this thought. The internet is… like… a series of tubes man. It’s not like something you… like… dump stuff on. It’s not like a truck, ya know? I wonder if Taco Bell’s still open.”

Actually though, in all fairness to potheads, none of them ever said anything like “Ten movies streaming across that, that Internet, and what happens to your own personal Internet? I just the other day got… an Internet was sent by my staff at 10 o’clock in the morning on Friday, I got it yesterday. Why?”

That’s something hard core there. I’m thinking crystal meth would explain that one. So therefore we know that Ted Stevens is a smoker, a tweaker, and a fucking moron. And he’s third in line, behind Pelosi. So our succession line is officially Satan, freaky dry eyes woman, and a drug addled moron. Makes a President who is just plain stupid seem like a pretty good deal doesn’t it?