An Open Letter To Bob Saget
Bob,
Can I call you Bob? I know we don’t know each other personally, but I’ve been changing the channel every time I saw your face on it since middle school. I feel like we go way back.
So, I saw you were out at The Comedy Festival in Las Vegas this past weekend. You were doing your “adult” routine, the one you did before you got on Full House. And I just want to let you know that you need to knock that shit off.
You’ve lived every comedian’s dream. You had a little bit of a standup career, and then you got your own sitcom. It was on the air for a long time and fared pretty well in the ratings. You got paid, and you got to hang out with the Olsen twins. Even if it was 15 years before they were hot, it still counts for something.
But when you did that, you cashed in all of your street cred. You stopped being vulgar Bob Saget, who didn’t have two consecutive sentences without a curse word in his entire act, and became squeaky-clean closet homosexual Danny Tanner (and whatever you call that ass-clown on America’s Funniest Home Video’s). You can’t go back.
You sold yourself, and hey, I don’t blame you. I would’ve too. The millions you must have made from that garbage are worth more than some image points. It wasn’t like you were Jerry Seinfeld anyway, you were just another hack comedian who tried to get more jokes than his mediocre material was worth by swearing a lot. And it worked alright, but wasn’t really getting you anywhere until the networks came a callin’. So you sold out and more power to you. That’s all well and good. But now you need to have the decency to live the rest of your life on a tropical island where we don’t have to look at you and quit trying to be the next Dane Cook.
Do us all a favor, hang it up. You’re so unfunny that I’d be telling you the same thing even if it weren’t for the fact that you’re friends with Dave Coulier, who we all pretty much agree should be put down like a horse with a broken leg. So please, go be Danny Tanner somewhere out of sight and leave the rest of us alone.
Sincerely yours,
Matt Maroon
