If you’re like me, you have almost no clue what’s going on in the world without The Daily Show/Colbert Report. So in place of Lewis Black I’ll keep you updated with a new segment I call Back In Maroon.
First up is Katie Couric. In honor of her move to CBS an employee took it upon himself to Photoshop 20 pounds away from her in a widely circulated picture. Here are both the original and retouched photos:
Wow, that’s much better. The chick on the right is almost a total milf. I thought I’d test my Photoshop skills and see if I could make a couple celebrities look better by removing 20 lbs.
First I did Paris Hilton. Here’s the before:
And here’s the after:
A drastic improvement. In the first photo you couldn’t even see her rib cage. Yuck, what a cow.
Next up was Camryn Manheim. Before:
After:
The next big I-can’t-believe-this-qualifies-as-news story is CNN anchorwoman Kyra Phillips. Yes, the same reporter who once confused UN Ambassador John Bolton for Michael Bolton, the soon to be deceased (I hope) pop singer. Kyra’s latest faux pas: leaving the microphone on while having a typical female bathroom conversation about how wonderful her husband is and how hard it is to find a good man.
Her lavatory remarks were broadcast over President Bush’s press conference on the one year anniversary of hurricane Katrina. Instead of hearing Bush stumble and mispronounce his way through another speech, viewers were treated to such lively potty talk as
Yeah, I’m very lucky in that regard with my husband. My husband is handsome and he is genuinely a loving, you know, no ego–[unintelligible] you know what I’m saying. Just a really passionate, compassionate great, great human being.
Luckily for Phillips a fellow reporter stepped in and alerted her to her live microphone, because she was about to finish that thought with “But he has a really small penis. I mean, like, freakishly small. Tiny. It’s like having sex with a grasshopper.”
She did, however, manage to insult her sister-in-law, calling her a “control freak”. I have to admit, the thought of her discomfort at the Thanksgiving dinner table is much more interesting than anything Bush has said in the last five years.
And finally the annual MTV Video Music Awards aired on Thursday, leaving millions of people wondering why Jared Leto is still alive. I see no reason for his continued existence. He’s now managed to follow a bad acting career with an even worse music one. Somebody please put him out of my misery.
As far as I know that’s all that happened last week.
