Music Theory
I was listening to the radio the other day and a theory dawned on me. I’m going to call it Maroon’s Theory of Rock and Roll. It states:
“All rock bands that share a name with cities, states, countries, or continents suck, and the degree to which they suck is directly proportional to the population of the location after which they are named.”
Here are some examples of bands, with the estimated population of their namesake:
1. Asia (3,686 million)
2. America (295 million)
3. Berlin (3.43 million)
4. Chicago (2.8 million)
5. Kansas (2.69 million)
Note that the formula would predict that the band Asia would suck roughly 12.5 times as much as the band America, which in turn would suck roughly 86 times as much as the band Berlin. These predictions are consistent with results shown by experiment.
In one experiment done in my car it took me 10 milliseconds to recognize Berlin’s “Take My Breath Away” and change the channel. “Sister Golden Hair” by America took almost a full second (860 milliseconds) before causing nausea, and “Heat Of The Moment”, Asia’s chart-topping abortion, lasted a full ten seconds, though only because I was on my cell phone.
I’m still working on tying in bands that only reference geological locations, such as Buffalo Springfield, Georgia Satellites, Ohio Players, and Manhattan Transfer. They too all seem to suck, though nowhere near as much so as bands actually named after places. I’ll let you know what I find.
August 21, 2006 at 10:13 am
You forgot:
Europe – 726 million
Alabama – 4.5 million
Boston – 0.6 million
It would appear your formula is flawed. While these bands do, in fact, suck, we can immediately see that it is in no way possible for Europe to suck at a rate equal to only 19.6% the suck rate of Asia.
In conclusion, the song “Keep Your Hands to Yourself,” the Georgia Satellites’ 1986 hit, kicked ass.
August 21, 2006 at 5:52 pm
Oh crap, Boston was the band that inspired this post. How the hell did I leave them out of it?
And yeah, that one song was pretty good, but as a whole the Georgia Satellites are pretty bad.
August 29, 2006 at 11:31 am
Europe’s “The Final Countdown” is used heavily in the 2nd season of Arrested Development. That has to be the worst epic keyboard riff of all time.
May 3, 2007 at 12:52 am
[...] album from just about every rock band known to man. That’s how I was able to come up with my first law of rock and roll, which is that any band named for a geographical region sucks, and the extent to which they suck is [...]
May 4, 2007 at 4:43 am
Bah. I dissent on your points:
* Buffalo Springfield did “For What It’s Worth”, without which the late 60′s could not have happened. Furthermore, Stephen Stills and Neil Young were both in that band, and their effect on popular music is incalculable. Sometime find a DVD of Steve Still playing acoustic guitar or electric blues. Or consider that Neil Young has reinvented himself more times than anybody in pop music with two names (thus removing Prince and Madonna from consideration).
* Chicago’s early work defined an entire genre of music that positively kicks ass. Go listen to CTA (Chicago Transit Authority) and tell me it doesn’t blow your socks off. Yes, their 80′s pop was unspeakably bad, made worse by the fact that the band used to be so good. If you’re talking about 80′s Chicago, you’re right, it sucks.
* The Ohio Players are one of three or four bands that you can (and should) listen to and then know virtually everything you need to know about funk. The others are James Brown, Sly and the Family Stone, and Parliament/Funkadelic. But if you haven’t listened to “Fire” or “Skin Tight”, you haven’t known true Funk.
Best regards,
Lee Jones