MattMaroon.com

In my few semesters of college I came to realize that computer science students are a unique group of people. For those of my younger readers who are considering majoring in this delightful field I should warn you that you may have a hard time fitting in with the crowd at first. Why you would want to fit in with this particular group I do not know but in case you do here are a few things you can do to be accepted by your fellow CS majors:

1. You must have a dual boot system. Your primary OS must be a Linux variation or other open source operating system (Free BSD is all the rage), and your second OS can be a current version of Windows.

2. You must hate Microsoft. You also must write your programs in the latest edition of Microsoft Visual Studio, write your reports for other classes in Microsoft Word, use Microsoft Outlook as your email client, and Microsoft Excel to balance your checkbook. But remember Microsoft is an evil anticompetitive giant and you hate them, and Linux is way better.

3. Upon graduation you must send your resume to Microsoft and pray every day that you land a job there. And when they don’t even call you for an interview remember that you hate Bill Gates anyway, so you’re glad they didn’t interview you.

4. Your hobbies must include MMORPGs (and if you don’t know what that stands for please consider another major), Dungeons and Dragons, Magic the Gathering, any popular first person shooter PC game (Halo, Unreal, etc.), and modding your bad ass dual boot PC that you built yourself.

5. Personal hygiene is not necessary. In fact a musty odor, pasty white complexion, and hair that looks lice ridden requires very little upkeep and allows you to spend time on more important things such as camping outside the Gray Rock Ogre’s cave with your guild mates in World of Warcraft.

6. If you are female you must die your hair some neon color. Nose rings are a great way to express your individuality, which is why everyone has one.

7. If English is not your native language congratulations! You are in the vast majority, are exempt from all of the above rules, and are free to actually study, get a job at Google, and enjoy a healthy six figure income for the rest of your life because nobody intelligent and hard working enough to come to this country from the third world for an education would waste 15 minutes of their time slaying cheap-looking polygonal monsters with a level 72 paladin in stupid computer games.

Also you do not need to learn English, even if you become a TA or lab assistant. Don’t worry that the Americans can’t understand you, they have no future anyway. They will all switch their majors to accounting as soon as they drop out of Data Structures and Algorithms II. In a few years the only words you’ll hear them say are “paper or plastic?”

**This is a repost from an old, now defunct blog I used to have, with minor editing for grammar and modernization**